The S.P.A.M. Wars by: Vertiborg [Vertiborg@aol.com] (see? I put my e-mail address here so everyone who reads this story can say rather laudatory remarks about me...) ... it all started with a pair of misfits who ran a muck with a red Sp'maro and a friend named Poke, er Puck, or maybe now the Duke named Duck... I don't know! Guess this crazy universe a friend of mine and I created over many hours of boredly being stuck in class has grown into something that I can no longer restrain, and maybe that's why I'm writing this Gag-fic... or maybe better known as a Garg fic... ...So I guess everyone's tired of reading my pointless prattle, so I'll stop writing as soon as I'm done... and No, I'm not done yet! If I was done, then it would be the end of the story, and the story hasn't even begun... As for the legal stuff... must I say what has already been said thousands of times before? ...might as well... Gargs do and will never in any way in all of freaky normal-ness ever, and I mean ever-- belong to me. In no way am I affiliated with anything Disney, because it's evil and corrupts the minds of the world's youth... wait-- that's a GOOD thing... I belong to me, Marty belongs to Marty, and so on and so forth. Yadda yadda yadda... To clear up some of the confusion that is very prevalent to an outsider of this episode and to those involved but have absolutely no idea what's going on, I'll provide a character description of the characters who solely exist in the Marty and Vertiborg universe and an outline as to what the plot is at the very end of this story, though you might have to scroll down for a bit. I PROMISE! Names have been changed to protect the identities of those involved in this story. Proceed at your own risk. Thank you, drive through... Vertiborg swerved the odd-looking Space Car out of harms way as another chunk of space debris was trying to fulfill the longtime ritual of a bug being splattered across the windshield. Its bulky exterior versus the cramped interior, it being a seventy- three Sp'Maro over-fitted as a starship, with warp engines to boot, wasn't exactly the most luxurious way to transverse the galaxy. But the Phoenyx... hmm so aptly named for rising from the junkpile in which it had once perished... served its purpose-- to get from point A to point B in all the time in existence. Verti exhaled, in frustration, weariness, boredom... it was hard to tell these days. She _really_ needed a vacation. Months of watching the stars whiz by, tiny points blurring past, day after day, week after week, wasn't exactly exciting. Occasionally, there would be a ship that passed by. None were interested in contacting Verti anyway, as she felt likewise. Stretching her red-and-purple gag- goyle wings, she squirmed into a more comfortable position. As she watched through the violet-tinted eye-ports, tiny sparkles began to merge together, taking the vague shape of a humanoid sitting Indian-style, and quickly fizzling put to reveal quite a comical sight. An elfin-girl, with long, sandy-brown hair, pointed ears, and sporting huge wire-rimmed glasses, materialized. Dressed in colorful Shakespearean garb, complete with pointy-toed shoes, she ''floated'' a foot above the vinyl bucket seat on the passenger side, her fool's cap-topped head hitting the headboard of the ship. ''Ow!'' exclaimed the fey. She removed her cap and rubbed the sore spot with her empty hand. The elf crossed her arms in front of her chest and bobbed her head, in genie fashion, and there was a bright spark of light. Gone were the pointy-toed shoes and rediculous attire, and in its place was a more appropriate pair of jeans and tee-shirt. Marty outstretched her arms and sprawled her fingers, acclimating to the change of clothing. Her attention soon cast on Vertiborg, who by then was eyeing the elf suspiciously. ''What is it this time, Marty?! Giant 'shrooms taking over the galaxy again?! Why don't you go bug Lucki Moonwalker?!'' Vertiborg nearly shouted, and to the untrained eye, it was evident Verti was seething with irritation, and in fact, she was. Her past experiences with Marty-Fey had been tiresome and irritating, as well as deranged and weird. Really nifty stuff, if one had the time to do anything. ''Ummm, Lucki's kinda busy at the moment, and besides, I just LUV bugging ya!'' Marty replied to the question as she always did, and the response nearly cost her the immortal life she possessed. Upon hearing that, Verti lashed out at the flippant elf, and missing, knocked the Phoenyx out of gear. The red car sputtered and wheezed as the engine gave out. It wasadrift. ''Now look what you made me do!'' Stupid fairy. Peeling herself off the dash panel, Vertiborg spit and growled and cursed the very life Marty was given. A dent was imprinted upon the vinyl-padded console where her forehead had impacted. Pain then crept in Verti's skull, and clenching her teeth didn't help at all. Annoyed further, Vertiborg noticed the keys to the ignition were missing. She looked up and saw Marty, with head tilted back and mouth agape, just about to swallow the only keys she had to thePhoenyx. She lunged again, and succeeded in snatching the keys away, and knocking off the rearview mirror. She once again cursed the Fey. 'Never, and I mean NEVER, take the keys out of, do you see this?'' Verti pointed to a hole in the steering column, ''Never take the keys out of the ignition! It could cause the warp engines to engage and turn you and me into CHUNKY SALSA when it accelerates!'' ''Groovy,'' Marty simply replied. The elf rolled her eyes into the back of her skull, and a hangman's noose materialized around her neck. ''GaaAAAAAFfffhHgGAAgggcchHH!!'' She focused her sight back on Verti, who was not looking in the least bit pleased. ''Is this a punishment worthy of my crimes?'' Vertiborg turned her head away from the annoying fey, and focused her attention on the stars ahead. Marty stuck out her fey tongue. She whispered something incomprehensible in pig-Latin, and a few greensparkles escaped from her fingers. A flash of light followed, and upon turning her head, there was no Vertiborg. In her place was an odd blue-colored potted plant that looked as if the Borg had come to assimilate it. A smug grin played across Marty's features. ''A crime worthy of my punishment...'' ''MARTY!!!!!!'' the plant bellowed, if a plant was capable of such an action. It writhed and wriggled its leaves angrily at the fey, but being the plant it was, could do nothing really. Marty had to suppress a chuckle. ''Oh, poor Vertiborg...'' she commented, then with grim determination, reached for the keys. A leaf snapped out and whacked the elf's hand, and seething still with annoyance, the plant seemed to say, ''BAD ELF!'' Marty glared at the plant, and the plant 'glared' back at Marty. Marty gave the plant the raspberry and the plant started to convulse angrily. Finally, after several moments of doing this, both decided this course of action was getting them nowhere, and Marty begrudgingly reverted the plant back into Vertiborg. ''Why is it that every time Marty appears, something happens to me?'' Vertiborg growled out upon being returned to her true from. ''Now what did I say about the keys?'' Marty mouthed something, but Vertiborg was distracted by another annoying sound, her car's warning beacon was blaring loudly in her ear. Following that, the car gave a shudder and was being pulled into a swirling mass of more green sparkly stuff. Some weird anomaly had formed while Verti was becoming one with the natural vegetation, and it was now pulling the Phoenyx, as well as two unfortunate passengers into its maw. Verti frantically twisted the keys, but the car only responded with a disgruntledwheeze. So therefore, the fate of the pair would be determined by the green thingie, later to be known as the KIWIS GATE... ************************* It being sunset and the time for nocturnal creatures to emerge, so they did every evening. The gag-goyles of Castle Wylbur awoke with much commotion and shards of granite flying everywhere. Each greeted the night with their own distinctive growl, screech, roar or scream. The Trio, consisting of the white-haired, red skinned and beaked Brookie, the wide blue-bald Broadass, and green frog-boy Licks, excitedly jumped off their perches and chattered amongst themselves, most conversations being absolutely pointless as most conversations are. They retreated into the innards of the ancient Snottish castle. Brak, the gag-dog, whoofed at the portly, sword-slinging Huddie, whose nightly routine as of lately was parking himself in front of the television, just in time to catch the last of Sally-Jessi. The duo also sauntered into the castle, Huddy hoping nobody was in there at the moment. The only gag-chic, Angle, lingered behind. She glanced up at the tallest parapet. Goalie had not come home last night. Probably still at Lisa Maize's apartment... <... and adolescents have trouble keeping theirhormones in check...?> Looking around again to see that nobody was there, she lifted a stone block and reached under. Her stash of stuff, ranging from nacho chips to cheap romance novels. She quickly dug out her jumbo bag of N&N's and one of the forementioned books. Glancing around again, she dashed into a little-known hidey-hole she found upon her arrival at the castle some time ago. ''HEY!'' Shouting rang through the castle's hallways, bouncing of bare stone walls, and reverberating whenever it had a chance. A clattering of pots and pans soon followed the shouts. A white-haired elf darted in between two disgruntled gag-goyles, frying pan in hand. With unearthly reflexes, he brought the bottom of the pan down onto the head of Broadass. The blue gag-goyle snarled and charged the fey. He missed by a parsec! The elf threw back his head and chuckled deeply. He pointed his finger at the fat gag, brought his free hand up to his face, and made a gesture the gag didn't appreciate in the least bit. Broadass charged again, and resulted in running into the stone wall. He was out cold. The fey turned toward the second gag, Brookie. The elf taunted. The gag raised a brow. The elf stuck out his tongue. Brookie snatched that tongue and proceeded to tie it into a bow. The elf frowned. Brookie threw back his head and laughed. The elf wiggled his ears. From out of nowhere materialized a toddler, red-headed and fat-cheeked. The boy wiggled his nose and twiddled his fingers at Brookie. A green fey mist emerged from his fingers and engulfed the gag in a green fog. A bright flash of light followed, and Brookie was nowhere to be seen. The white-headed elf floated to the boy's side and gave a thumbs-up, still being quite tongue-tied and unable to say much else. One fey nodded to the other, and both disappeared from sight. AIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!! The Sp'Maro punched a hole through a puffy white cloud and whizzed through the air in a ball of fire and falling debris. The KIWIS gate had deposited the vehicle in who-knows-where. Verti clenched her teeth together and hung onto her gut, fearing she was going to lose her lunch if this freefall continued any longer. Her azure skin turned an unhealthy green color and sweat beads formed on her brow. The car continued to plummet. Marty sat back in the passenger seat and stretched leisurely. A bowl of popcorn materialized into her lap- steaming, buttery movie-popcorn. She reached into the bowl and pulled out a handful of the greasy concession, and stuffed it with all relish possible, into her mouth. Vertiborg gave her a dismayed look, and closed her eyes in an attempt to keep the world from spinning out from under her. Slowly, with great effort, she reached out and grabbed the steering wheel of the Sp'maro and wrapped her fingers around it. She pulled upward. The last thing Brookie knew was he was battling with the annoying fey, Poke. The next, he was hanging in the sky. The latest event left him in the fog. A streak of red zoomed his way. KERSPLAT!!! Bug on the windshield--exactly what he felt like at the moment. He found himself unable to move from his position. He was literally plastered. The Sp'maro arced gracefully upward into the midnight sky. Vertiborg finally let out a small breath of relief, enjoying the momentary peace. She looked over at Marty-Fey, who was just now polishing off the last of the popcorn. She cocked a brow at the brunette fey, then decided watching how many bugs splatted against her windshield was more appealing. splat... ploop... squish... pbbbt... pop... boing... KERSPLAT!!! Bug on the windshield. Verti's eyes popped open. Bug-splattering had become quite boring in the last few seconds, but this was... surprising... The reddish 'bug' tried to pull itself away from the windshield, but the momentum that the 'bug' hit was so great as to cause it to really stick, as well as the G's the Sp'maro was hitting didn't help much. RRRRRRRRTTTTTT! Verti slammed on the brakes. The space car stopped instantly in mid-air. Marty was jolted from her seat and ran face-first into the glove box. <... the dangers of not wearing a seat belt while Vertiborg is driving can be hazardous to your health.> The elf peeled her forehead off the offending object, and looked into the mirror built into every sun visor nowadays. The imprinted word 'Sp'Maro was etched into her brow. She looked at the Sp'maro's label. Then at her head. At the label... She grinned immensely for no reason. Verti opened the driver's side door on the Sp'maro and clambered out of the space craft, lasergun in hand. When all of this was going on, the bug managed to peel itself from the windshield. It gave a quick glance around, and came face-to-face with the business-end of Vertiborg's lasergun. It... no, HE, looked into the angrily-glowing barrel of the weapon. And then at Vertiborg. And back at the lasergun. Verti scowled and charged up the lasergun to another energy level. Thank the weird minds of humans who came up with atomic power... Suddenly, the bug displayed a rather blissful look upon his face. His beak curled up at the corners, eyes glazed over, and he rested his chin upon his fist. Little pink hearts began bubbling up around him and danced around. Verti raised her brows from her scowl and began to get _really_ confused. She quickly shook off the momentary lapse and re-pointed her lasergun. ''Who in all of freaky normal-ness are YOU?!'' Vertiborg screamed at the top of her lungs. The response, ''Brookie...'' ''... and what were you doing splayed across my windshield?'' ''... falling in LUV...'' The rather smitten Brookie grinned even wider and his eyes glazed over even more. Verti took one look at the red gag, brought up her really big gag-foot, and kicked Brookie off her car. The red gag fell through the smog towards the ground below, ignorant of what danger he was in. ''Normal person...'' Verti spat out. CHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOPCHOP... A black hele-chopper chopped through the air, dissipating flocks of pigeons, while some of the unlucky birds were sent through the propellers and the end result was... not pretty. Phlox Xany-toes sat behind the chopper's controls. grinning maniacally as she watched the birds meet their match. She cackled to herself. Her husband, multi-trillionaire and megalomaniac extreme, Davie Xany-toes, hid his eyes and tried to stomach the reasons behind Phlox's normal behavior. That end result was not pretty, either. Strange music flowed in the background, which consisted of a dozen-or-so French horns playing softly The chopper continued to swerve in the air, eliminating the entire population of Noo Yoyk's pigeons. ''Phlox, dear, why do you insist on acting so extremely,'' Davie inquired in-between retches. He had turned a rather pallid color of green, and was trying desperately not to get any sicker. His eccentric wife looked over at him as if he were an idiot. ''I'm doing the gags a favor. Gags and pigeons don't mix.'' ''Would you do me the favor as to explain further?'' ''Well, you know when the gags wake up, they just hate stepping into fresh, steaming piles of pigeon---'' Xany-toes could stomach it no longer. He hurriedly rolled down the window in the chopper and stuck his entire head out, heaving and retching as he did so. Phlox looked over again. ''Awww... poor baby. Why don't you get sick whenever you're flying around in your exo-suit?'' A streak of falling red gag caught the red-head's attention. She watched it with almost a morbid fascination. ''Phlox, could you land this chopper?'' Silence, except for the chopping of the chopper. ''Phlox?'' No response. Finally, Phlox said to herself, ''Looks as if Brookie's falling toward ecstasy...'' And indeed he fell. Through the cloud of smog, down, down he fell. All that was on Brookie's mind at the moment was that blond chick that he saw in the odd car. Ooh, boy-- he fell for her. Nearly-flawless blue skin, pretty wings, body armor... ignorant bliss that was causing him to plummet to the earth. Brookie finally came to his senses and realized he was falling. Realization, though, came way too late. SPLAT! CRRRRACK! The red gag smacked into and fell through the roof of a penthouse apartment. Dust and wood splinters scattered everywhere. The second time tonight, although this crash was not nearly as bad as the mishap with the Sp'maro. He picked himself up, dusted himself off and stopped dead in his tracks. She stood on all fours, trying to keep her balance as he moved his leg in between her own. She huffed dissatisfiedly as he shifted his weight upon her and fell heavily upon her midsection. ''OOF! Get off of me, you OAF!'' Lisa Maize wheezed from under Goalie. ''Sorry, Lisa.'' He moved his hand toward a spot while clambering off Lisa. ''All you can say is sorry while I'm squished under you rather massive weight... '' Lisa twined her arm around a wing, silently thanking her yoga instructor. ''Who's turn is it?'' He again shifted position. ''Yours.'' SPLAT!! CRRRRACK! A cloud of dust billowed up suddenly, causing both individuals to fall to the ground coughing. They looked up, confused. Goalie took a defensive stance as best as he could, considering he and Lisa were rather tangled up at the moment. A lone figure showed through the dust in the air. It was gag in form, though nowadays, well, one could never be too careful. It picked itself up and dusted the dust off. ''Yipes?!'' was what the silhouette stated. It surveyed the site. The gag-goyle leader and his human goyle-friend were engaged in an intense game of... Twisted. The spotted game board was rumpled underneath their feet and they were both staring intently at what now appeared to be a slightly dishevled Brookie. ''Uhhh.... sorry?'' he yelped, unsure of what more to say. He then quickly turned on his heel and split, jumping from the balcony and launching himself into the night sky. The odd couple looked at the perturbed gag oddly, then decided Twisted was not the best game in the world to be caught playing. ''So, Verti... what are you going to do now that you've shattered the fragile ego of a teenage gag-goyle?'' Marty asked, then punctuated the question with an inquiring eyebrow. She tossed the popcorn bowl out the window, and it fell on some unsuspecting human on the street below. She watched as Verti also raised a brow, as if to ask 'why are you asking me this?' Marty shrugged. Marty continued, ''And seeing the rate at which you blow off every single member of the opposite sex and thensome, I was just wondering...'' Before the fey could finish her sentence, Verti had grabbed her lasergun and was pointing the barrel at Marty's forehead. The lasergun angrily whined as it charged its energy-cells and began to glow and even angrier red. Marty's brow began to profusely expel beads of sweat. ''Don't EVEN go there, Fey!'' ''...if you preferred androgenous alien clones...?'' ''Let's just say I'm happier with my Sp'maro than with anyone of my species...'' Verti paused to scrutinize her words... Species? Wha...? There wasn't anything that would come anywhere close to being her species... unless, of course you counted Oldstone and his multiple personalities... but... but that was Oldstone. the cy-gag-chick thought. Verti quickly recovered from her momentary pondering and with an ever more grim determination, aimed her lasergun at the fey. The frantic Marty darted her eyeballs around, seeking any form of help in the vicinity. There was none. Vertiborg's eyes began to glow as brightly as the lasergun. With a slight wiggling of her fingers, Marty summoned the forces of the universe to commence around her. The engergies pulsed and swirled around the fey's head and built up in intensity. Suddenly, there was a bright flash of 'Q' light and Marty was gone. The fey's voice still echoed in the cramped space inside the car. Vertiborg growled bitterly at the departed fey. Memories of theincident with the plants came into mind-- one where Time had decided to screw around with the evolution of a few humans... and one of those humans had been Marty's LUV interest... Plainly said, they had been turned into potted plants, by some unknown 'thing' that came into the variables. And Marty had to always make a big stink about it, still feeling rather testy about the whole concept of boyfriends being turned into vegetation before her eyes. Verti threw her hands up in frustration and whammed her head down on the steering wheel. Her brow came in contact with the horn. It blared irritatingly and rather loudly. The Cy-gag-chick didn't care at this point. ******************* Inside the high-rise office of Gravy Spamatos... The one and only Gravy Spamatos, ultimate S.P.A.M.--mer of websites and arch-rival to Davie Xany-toes, stared at his computer screen intently, S.P.A.M.--ing the websites of the world. Point, click and S.P.A.M. was his motto. And at the moment, he was S.P.A.M.-ing the Gag-goyles Fan Website! He accessed the site, uploaded the S.P.A.M. program and sent the cursed thing to the page. A S.P.A.M--mer display showed the progress of the virus as it wreaked havoc for all the gag-goyles fans of the world. A S.P.A.Missile flickered onto the screen. It slowly found its way to the page and with a flourishing display of digital scrapnel, it scrambled the Website's programming. Taking cover, Gravy watched as arcs of electricity flowed over the computer's main bulk. The system overloaded and decided that the S.P.A.M program was too much. It exploded with many a Mb flying everywhere. At about the same moment, Lucki Moonwalker decided to walk in. She scanned the room, and seeing the main computer smoking profusely, she dove for cover. But she was too slow. ''Eep!'' The force of the blast knocked Lucki down, and she was now sitting on her rear end, wide-eyed and a bit charred around the edges. She shook off the fuzzy feeling in her head and scraped herself off the ground. Spamatos was unmarred, however, and that confused the innocent bystander. ''Another success! BwahahahaHaHaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!'' Gravy cackled maniacally to the noone and everyone who was in earshot, which was only Lucki and the two lab mice in the cage. He danced around on his feet and twirled in a dizzying way. Lucki raised both her brows in the ultimate display of confusion as she watched the Davie-Xany-toes-clone-without-the-goatee frolic about his office. She then decided that this was the best time to depart, and so she did. When it came to the internet, the gag known as Licks took it in the most serious and solemn way. Going through the ritual of logging on, he relished every single moment he was wired to the world. Quickly checking his E-mail, Licks read all the messages he had received in the past few minutes. That task accomplished, he logged on to the Gag-goyle's Website. As the computer finally linked him to the domain of all Gag-goyles fans, all the screen displayed was the four-letter word-- SPAM. ''NOOOOOOO!!!!'' The green gag started to hyperventilate and the tear ducts in his eyes began to work overtime. His bottom lip trembled and he convulsed all over. Then all freaky-heck broke loose. His computer crashed and burned. All the power in the Eerie Building shut off. It finally snowed in hell. The Simpsons welcomed O.J. to lovely Springfield. ... and while all this was happening, the little green gag started to plot death to who all did this to him... The entire Mad-Hatter clan gathered in the main hall of the castle. Lisa Maize had shown up from nowhere, though looking a bit 'squished' and disheveled from her last encounter with the gag clan. The Xany-toes had decided to join them, for lack of better things to do. Alien-Xander Xany-toes floated a foot above the ground and observed the scene as was habit of all Fey. Poke was nowhere to be seen, but in his place stood Oh-and Burn-it, butler and lackey to the Xany-toes. ''... and all of a sudden it crashed,'' Licks finished, wiping the tears off his face. He took a rather stylish hanky out of his loincloth and blew his nose. When he was through, he stuffed the snotty cloth back into its place. The entire gathering of gags and humans looked at the green gag oddly as he did so. ''It's gotta be Spamatos,'' Broadass offered in-between mouthfuls of potato chips. ''Aye, and if it be the laddie, we musta go pay im a visit,'' Huddie added, for once not sitting on his fat butt in front of the television. He swung his sword menacingly at the air. It slipped from his hand and went soaring through the air and pinned a still-confused Lucki Moonwalker to the wall by her shirt collar. ''...oopsie?'' ''You could bring up a lawsuit.'' Lisa Maize looked around at the confused faces of all who was gathered. ''Then again, maybe not,'' she said, opting herself for the tried and true method of beating the bloody crud out of anyone who freaked her off. ''We should go out in force. This menace to society as we know it... Spamatos, must be stopped. We will beat him into a bloody pulp, and if he still tries to fight, we'll sic Demmie on him,'' Goalie finished, reading Lisa Maize's mind exactly. All the while, Angle was looking disdainfully at the members of the gag clan, shaking her head in disgust. She let out a huff of air and snapped her wings out. She gave each male a smoldering look, then stormed out the door. The door slammed closed with a cloud of splinters following it. The clan was clearly shaken. All eyes followed Angle as she stomped around the castle, in her own world, no doubt. ''You know, she reminds me so much of her mother,'' Goalie commented. All unanimously agreed. Finally, Xany-toes spoke up after a full five seconds of normality. ''We've gotta find where Spamatos is heading his vendetta against all Gag-goyles fans everywhere. There must be someone in here who will risk their neck for our cause, for if the Gag-goyles site is permanently destroyed, we will cease to exist. Become nothing. Zilch. Nada. Down the drain.'' Xany-toes looked around. Not a word. Obviously, he had scared the living caca out of everyone present, for they each stood silently staring into nothingness, and he finally realized he scared himself. He shook the kooky feeling off of ceasing to exist. He rubbed the stubble of a goatee on his chin. He scratched his rear-- er... ear. He counted all the popcorn thingies on the ceiling. He then noticed a hairline crack forming on the plaster. The crack soon turned into a chasm and bits of ceiling popcorn began to fall everywhere. ''I'm sensing a strange presence...'' Oh-an commented. He scratched behind his semi-pointed ear with a stony fist, adjusted his wire-framed glasses and quickly glanced around. There was nothing in the room to rouse his suspicions, but Brak had noticed something too. The gag-dog was sniffing around a potted plant that had somehow appeared out of nowhere. Before the beast could leave his mark, Huddie had grabbed the pet by the scruff of the neck and was shooing him out the door. Oh-an walked over to the plant. It was an ordinary potted plant by the looks of it. Green foliage with bright orange flowers beginning to bloom. He sniffed one of the flowers. It bore an uncanny scent similar to that of-- of some indescribable odor that reeked of 'shrooms and gym socks. He got a rather large whiff of the strange scent, and upon reaching his brain, the fey-turned-human wrinkled his nose in disgust and just as suddenly passed out. He fell to the floor with a thump, left leg twitching like that of a recently-smashed cockroach for reasons unknown. Nobody noticed when the plant suddenly disappeared in a puff of green fog. In the meanwhile, Xany-toes was more concerned with watching the crack form along his newly-installed ceiling. ''Wha...?'' was all that Xany-toes managed to utter before the ceiling came crashing down on him. Bits of plaster and stone rained down from a ragged hole in the roof. Through the billowing cloud of dust, some could see the stars. Others were more preoccupied by dusting the freaky stuff off their shoulders. The dust finally cleared, and in the center of the wreckage, stood the Sp'maro in all its rusty-crusty glory. A very stunned Vertiborg sat behind the steering wheel. Her eyes, even seen through her eye ports, were wide and scared. Her knuckles were white from gripping the wheel too tightly. She was cemented in her seat and her hair was a nifty-frizzy wreck. Slowly, she reached for the door handle, and with all slowness possible, opened the door. Equally slowly, she climbed out of the car. She looked around. The gags, humans and fey were all staring at her in a manner normal of all life-forms. Bringing her lasergun about, Verti waved it across the room, panning the barrel about as to blast away everyone standing before her. Everyone froze into blocks of ice. Finally feeling bold, Brookie stepped forward. He eyed the cy-gag-chick in an odd way, then fuzzy realization hit. Flashbacks of the blue gag-chick who booted him off the strange spacecraft filtered through his thoughts. His gaze went distant in the way it did when he first encountered the cy-gag. He was plunged back into reality when he realized the end of Vertiborg's lasergun was pushing into the tip of his beak. He quickly backed off. Moments later... The gags had come to the conclusion that Vertiborg was the ultimate candidate for the mission to rid the world of Spamatos. Brookie kept a safe distance away from Verti's lasergun, but was not shy about stealing a few looks at her. Verti scowled darkly at him in return along with threats of physical harm coming toward him if he so much as flinched a muscle in her way. ''Okay, Xany... what in all of freaky heck am I supposed to do?'' Bored looks from Vertiborg conveyed her displeasure at the entire situation. Xany-toes raised his dust-encrusted eyebrow in response to her question. He proceeded to walk up to the large display screen in the office. The projection screen lit up with many-a-technical schematic and brightly-colored animation. Xany-toes reached for a laser pointer. He flipped the on switch, and to his amazement, for the first time, one of his toys didn't work. He scratched his ear. ''Hey, I need another laser-pointer, Oh-an.'' Brak, the gag-dog's ears perked upon hearing the word 'laser.' He went barreling toward Vertiborg, and with his massive jaws, snatched her weapon away from her. He bounded back toward Xany-toes with slobbery lasergun, and wagging his tail-stub happily. ''Thanks, Brak, though I don't think Oh-an wants to quit his job anytime soon,'' Xany-toes patted the gag-dog on the head while prying the lasergun out of the dog's mouth. Oh-an, semi-recovered, gave Xany-toes a look that could kill. Dangling the now-dripping laser as far away from himself as possible, Davie made a disgusted face and Burn-it promptly took the nasty thing from his boss' hand, deciding it was no worse than Alien-xander's own slobber, and turned toward the door, stumbling noticeably as he walked. Deciding to go ahead and forego the laser pointer, Xany gestured to the screen with his hand instead. ''As you can see from this schematic, I plan to digitize Vertiborg and whatever tools she needs and send her to the mainframe to battle the S.P.A.M program. This--'' Xany-toes realized his audience had moved from around him to the actual digitizing machine. A monolith of a toaster oven stood in the corner of the office, taking up about as much floor space as it possibly could. LED's and strobes blinked on and off in random sequences and from the vents, a heavy white fog inched along the ground. In the center, bolted to the machine's main controls, was a magical-talisman-like object with a green background and a rather large kiwi bird etched into it. Small sparks of green energy arced from the thing. Vertiborg was strapping her seat belt across her lap while Licks was methodically poking at the neon-colored controls. The clunky machine uttered displeased bleeps and shot bolts of electricity as Licks continued his probing. Inching his way to the rather large red button marked 'Do Not Touch,' Licks incoherently activated the warmupsequence. The machine whirred and sputtered as it went through the boot up sequence. Finally wondering what the big shiny red button did, Licks slammed down on it with as much passion as he would hitting anyother key, which was quite passionate. The machine pulsed faster and the final countdown was initiated. Ten... Nine... Eight... ''Licks! What did you freaking do?!'' Seven... Six... Five... ''Don't look at me! I was just--'' Four... Three... Two... ''MOO!'' One... Zero... poof. All present closed their eyes and gritted their teeth together, expecting theworst. All was like it was before the machine was ever conceived, except for the gigantic hole in the roof. No trace of the Sp'maro was there. Vertiborg had also disappeared. Xany-toes dashed up to the disk drive and ejected a floppy disk. He held it aloft with a Vanna White flourish for all to see, then he quickly transferred it to his desktop. A satisfied grin played across his features as the computer read the data. The others clustered around the small screen. Vertiborg's digitized form was dashing across the screen, shaking her digital fists at the on-lookers. Grinning even wider, Xany-toes finished uploading Verti into his mainframe. Her program was quickly filtered into the Xany-toes Exitprizes computer system and to the world wide web... ******************** All the world was two-D. Boring, flat and rather digitally, Vertiborg sighed. At least she and the Sp'maro seemed about as real as cyberspace would allow, being the only three-dimensional objects in the vicinity.. She drove her digital red car across the temporary cyberspace dimension, wondering why she had even remotely agreed to this mission. Her objective lay ahead. Already she could see the skyline of Digital City WWW, with S.P.A.M. bombs cascading from the pixilized skies. She punched the gas. The Sp'maro sped ahead, dashing to encounter and destroy the presence known as S.P.A.M. Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a 'shroom cloud formed. Dust and radioactive material finally clearing, Marty fizzled into existence. Verti slammed on the brakes and looked over at the fey, who was trying to catch the imaginary spots forming before her eyes. With a final lunge, Marty grasped one of the elusive dots and opened her fingers to see. When she did, not only was she surprised to see the dot had disappeared, but there were more and more dots dancing in front of her eyes, mocking her in every way possible. The fey set her mind to capturing yet another dot and went about doing so. Verti suppressed a shameful look toward the fey, and instead stomped on the gas once again. The Sp'maro's wheels screeched against the digital ground, causing the back end of the red car to spin and weave as it kicked up digital dust and burned even more digital rubber. A lingering black twin-streak of tire rubber, smoking profusely, was all the evidence that remained of the Sp'maro as it whizzed off into the digital sunset. A license plate reading 'SHROOM' twirled on its end and fell to the ground with a clang. Fade to black. Display 'to be continued.' Cast Vertiborg Vertiborg Marty Marty Lucki Moonwalker Who do you think? Marty> are these credits even worth running? Verti> dunno. just watch. Screenplay by Vertiborg Director Vertiborg Camera person Vertiborg Editing... Marty> OKAY! I think everyone gets the idea! Verti> you sure? Marty> positive Verti> you finally got your test results back? Marty> I wouldn't be introducing my DNA into the general population of I were you. Verti> DIE, FEY! Marty> EEP! The End... for now... but is it the end? we shall see... Marty> Verti, I... well, I have a confession to make before this presentation is over. I... well, I... I'M WEARING YOUR SOCKS!!!! Verti> I don't wear socks... *********************** Characters involved: Vertiborg: alter ego of author. blond-haired, blue skinned gag chick with a lasergun and a VERY short fuse. tends to dress in body armor, black leather pants and silver cyber-mask. short, for a gag-goyle (5'2''). often seen driving the Sp'maro. tormented by Marty. Marty: alter ego of Marty. fey. not of Obi-wan's Children. long brown hair, pointed ears and large glasses. has affinity for 'shrooms and dislikes potted plants. better known for her antics in the Realm of the 'Shrooms just really weird person. Lucki Moonwalker: alter ego of E.E.P. bystander. wears SpaceBoots. brown hair and space boots. occasionally seen in the background with confused look on her face. Sp'maro: Verti's Space Camaro. has warp engines. painted red. gas hog. very loud. very nasty. very nifty. Verti's only form of transportation. Gravy Spamatos: villain. clone of Davie Xany-toes. no goatee. loves to SPAM websites. started the S.P.A.M. wars. KIWIS Gate: like Phoenix Gate, only w/ big Kiwi bird etched onto it. creation of Marty's mind. works in cyberspace. responsible for all the mishaps the characters of M&V have on their littleadventures. Basic Plotline and History of M&V: adventures of M&V started in ...was it Geography?!... last year when Marty and I were discussing doing a parody on Gargoyles. I had recently created the character of Vertiborg, although she remained formless at the time. previous discussions formed the background for the 'adventures' and inspired me to write a story involving M&V characters. several months went by and the characters were refined to what they roughly are today. I began writing this story last spring and only touched it every so often, when I thought about it. Marty wrote a song inspired by the adventures (will include on this story, also) I've recently begun doing a comic strip involving characters (and it's really nifty. e-mail me and I'll send a copy of an episode) Lucki Moonwalker was added a few months ago after a discussion during lunch as to what new characters to create. and the rest is history, I guess. Ode to Marty & Vertiborg by Marty *to the tune of ''American Pie'' by Don McLean ************************************* A long, long time ago I can still remember how that strange Marty used to make me smile. And I knew if she had the time, that she could write for me a rhyme, and maybe we could be happy for a while. But then the KIWIS Gate would shimmer, leaving our dreams a little dimmer. Bad guys in the doorway, I couldn't take one more day. I can't remember if I cried, when I heard that Bob-the-Fish had fried, but something made me sick inside the day the spawn-spawn died. So, bye bye freaky pre-teenage-guy, Flew the Phoenyx to the Kleenex but the Phoenyx was fried. And the good ol' gals were eating 'nana-creme pies, singing ''this will be the day that I fly, this will be the day that I fly.'' Did you write the book of 'fics, and do you get high on pixie-stix? if the Pokester tells you so. And do you believe that Gags can fly, can't you understand that they only glide? And what's the deal with 'jalapen~o?' Oh, I know that Vertiborg is cool, 'cause she left that dude in a bloody pool. That laser's really keen, it turned his insides green. We were a pair of misfits who ran a muck, with a red Sp'maro and a friend named Poke, but we knew we were short on luck the day the spawn-spawn died. We started singin'... Now for eight months we've been running strong, no iron bars can hold us long, but that's not how it used to be. When the Pokester sang for the king and queen, he knew that we'd soon set him free, so he stalled and prayed for you and me. Oh, and while the king was lookin' round, we came and stole his pixie clown. The courtroom was adjourned, no longer to return. And while Brak set out to leave his mark, the Trio woke up in the park, and we danced circles in the dark the day the spawn-spawn died. We were singin'... Laughter, rapture, happ'ly ever after, the Gags flew off with a teenage math nerd, two miles high and glidin' fast. They landed soon on the stone. Vertiborg then arrived alone, But Xany sent a clone to hit them with a blast. Ah, the nighttime air was sweet perfume, while Marty played a little tune. Verti prepared to rant, but she never got the chance. For the Poke showed up and waved his hand, the clone turned into a potted plant. do you recall what was the chant the day the spawn-spawn died? We started singin'... In there we were all in one place, a crazy mob marooned in space, with zero-time to start again. So now Poke is Oh-an, doomed to burn, Demmie lit a match-- she'll never learn, 'cause fire's a pyro's only friend. As we watched the mad charade, and thought about the game we'd played. Nothing but the KIWIS Gate could save us from our fate. And as the flame climbed high with bloody light, luminating the gruesome night. I saw pyros laughing with delight the day the spawn-spawn died. They was singing... I met a girl who sang a song, and she asked me why we grieved for spawn, I shrugged and started to explain. I told her 'bout the sacred dome, where the dreaded spawn-beast used to roam and how the creature lost his life in vain. He was the freak for us to grill (er... torture, but I guess Marty couldn't think of anything else to rhyme with that was less graphic...), but Demmie stole from us the thrill. she sliced him with a laser, and shouted ''Go Speed Racer!'' When we found him he was in nine parts, we sighed and placed them into jars, but we knew revenge would soon be ours the day the spawn-spawn died. And we were singing... This has been a presentation of KIWIS (Kristel Is Weird, Isn't She?) Enterprises and LASERGUN (no, this is not an acronym) Unlimited. Some, if not all rights reserved. No animals were harmed in the making of this... thing... except maybe the squirrel who was unfortunate enough to have a date with the Sp'maro's tires. Copyright (c) April 1997-March 1998 by Vertiborg. ... ignore the little green man standing behind the curtain... This is REALLY the end this time! Aren't you glad?